June.

Father’s Day.

2021.

Family traditions.

Traditional isn’t a word I would use to describe myself or my family. When I had to choose a song for the father daughter dance on my wedding day I tried to task my maid of honor (my sister) with picking it. She declined this task as she often does with tasks I still try to assign her long after my wedding day. I told her the only songs I could think of were Christmas songs. She said ok so pick a Christmas song then. And that’s what I did. Give Love On Christmas Day by Jackson 5 is the song I danced with my dad to on my wedding day.

A new tradition, which I didn’t really mean to start, is sharing something new about myself with my dad and my family on Father’s Day. Last year on Father’s Day, I FaceTimed them and started crying. I told them that I think I’m depressed. After we hung up I texted them the list of parenting beliefs included in Tadasana Mama. I said something like Jeff and I are still learning how to be parents so we created this list of parenting beliefs to share with you. They responded thanks for sharing and that they are also still learning how to be a Lola and Lolo (grandma and grandpa in Tagalog).

After reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle I was inspired to create the Tadasana Mama list of parenting beliefs. G said “A woman becomes a responsible parent when she stops being an obedient daughter. When she finally understands that she is creating something different from what her parents created.” I know a list of boundaries from your daughter is not a typical Father’s Day gift, but like I said I wouldn’t describe me as traditional.

This year for Father’s Day I FaceTimed my family again. This time I shared that I have thyroid cancer. I said don’t worry, it’s one of the best cancers. I just have to get surgery and it’ll be gone. You guys are coming here for Deacon’s birthday soon and Jeff and I usually go away for a few nights when you visit. So, it’ll just be like it usually is when you visit. Me and Jeff are going to take a vacation at a hospital to get part of my thyroid removed. No big deal.

I found out I had thyroid cancer a little over a month before Father’s Day. I waited to tell my dad because I knew his immediate reaction would be to get on a plane and fly across the country to see me. When I first moved to NYC for college my dad called me every night to make sure I was safe in my dorm room before he could go to sleep. One night I didn’t pick up, I was passed out drunk. He drove into the city from NJ to make sure I was alive.

I don’t know that everything will be ok after my thyroid surgery. But I do know that I’ll continue this new tradition of sharing more of myself with my dad, my family, and everyone I love, on Father’s Day and everyday. I may not be traditional but I do love family traditions.

Thanks Daddy for giving me the greatest gift there is, your love.

“No greater gift is there than love. What the world needs is love. Yes, the world needs your love” - Give Love On Christmas Day by Jackson 5

Happy Father’s Day!

P.S. In the most recent book I finished reading the main character’s dad is dying and she wants to say things to him but she doesn’t know what. The hospice worker told her that family members all say the same three things, doesn’t matter what kind of relationship they had. “I love you. I forgive you. Please forgive me.” - Edie Richter Is Not Alone by Rebecca Handler.

_______

One Year Later.

2022.

Becoming a man.

I have a complicated relationship with men. I don’t really like them. I don’t know how to talk to men. I feel uncomfortable around them. I’m sometimes afraid of men. And it’s hard for me to make eye contact with them. Some people might say I have “daddy issues”.

When I can, I always choose female. Female doctors, female yoga instructors, female massage therapists, a female puppy. And when I can’t choose, I think life gives me what I need. I fell in love with a man and we had two boys together. I now live in a house of males.

I started Tadasana Mama as a way to connect with my family during the height of the pandemic. Then, I created the Tadasana Mama Bibliotherapy Book Club. Note: I did not ask anyone if they wanted to join this book club, I just created it and sent books out to my family. The first book I sent was Heal Your Self with Writing by Catherine Ann Jones. Second note: no one asked me to heal them, but I didn’t let that stop me! The second book I sent was Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown.

For this Father’s Day post I decided to interview the father of my children, the man behind the pizza at Yoga then Pizza, and one of the Tadasana Mama Bibliotherapy Book Club members. Jeffrey and I don’t agree on everything but we always talk things through and truly listen to each other, especially when it comes to how we intend to raise our boys to grow up to be kind humans.

_______

K: When we were still living in SF you took the kids to the playground and started talking to another dad. He asked if you lived in the neighborhood and if you rent or bought your home. Do you think owning a home is part of becoming a man?

J: No.

K: We were at a restaurant eating breakfast recently. The dad at the table next to us ordered one of the breakfast specials. The son asked “what’s that?” And the dad responded “this is how you become a man.” Do you think eating large breakfast platters is part of becoming a man?

J: No.

K: Deacon told me the other day he wanted to watch soccer on TV. He usually asks to watch kids shows or movies. So to double check I asked, “soccer?” And he responded, “yeah because I’m a man.” Do you think watching sports is part of becoming a man?

J: No.

K: I came out of the shower one day and it was chaos while you were watching the kids. I asked what happened and you said “you don’t let me yell or use violence so I don’t know how to get them to listen to me.” Do you think yelling and violence are part of becoming a man?

J: No.

K: We decided we don’t want the boys to do things just because they think that’s what a man is supposed to do. We want to teach them that being a kind human is how any person can be a good man or woman. Do you still believe this is part of becoming a man?

J: Yes.

K: Would you like to elaborate on any of your answers?

J: No.

_______

My kids will most likely grow up with “mommy issues.” I’m the mean, angry, impatient parent and Jeff is the kind, loving, patient one. But, I’m working on myself, and I’m sharing my story so my kids know that in life you will have struggles but you can work through them. Sometimes you can work through struggles on your own and sometimes you may need help from family, friends, teachers, therapists, and/or doctors.

A lot of beliefs are handed down to us. But, we don’t have to keep those beliefs if we no longer believe them. Jeffrey and I created the Tadasana Mama list of parenting beliefs two years ago. We definitely don’t have this parenting thing figured out, but I think no one does.

So, I invite you to also question your beliefs, write new beliefs if the ones handed down to you no longer make sense, and then continue to rewrite them anytime you need to.