April.

Mama Earth Day.

2021.

36 years around the sun.

I was born 36 years ago on Earth Day. I never felt a strong connection to Mother Nature until I met Jeffrey. He took me on my first hike in Cold Spring, NY and introduced me to camping for the first time near Acadia National Park. It took some time, but I’m now in awe of Mama Earth.

As the saying goes: “the mountains are calling and I must go.”

And my anxiety responded: “just don’t forget your bear spray, bear bells, and bear whistle.”

I think I’ve always had death anxiety. Anytime I get in a car my anxiety says: “this is it, this is how it’s all going to end.”

My anxiety increased significantly after having kids. Now I also have anxiety about my children dying.

When I was pregnant with Dylan I decided to get a pedicure. As my cuticles were being cut I started bleeding. I saw the blood and thought “oh, I’m bleeding.” And then thought “oh my god, I’m getting an infection.” My anxiety quickly spiraled to “oh my god, that means the baby is getting an infection.” Then “oh my god, the baby is dead.” And then I fainted.

I woke up to the woman next to me saying you just had a seizure. Then the nail salon called 911 and I was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. Turns out I just fainted and Dylan was totally fine.

Life does eventually come to an end though. But, I think I’m finally realizing that we have no control over how our own lives or our loved one’s lives will end.

I finally signed up for a yoga teacher training program. In studying one of the Niyamas, Svadhyaya, I am learning more about myself. I realized that I focus too much on things that I cannot control.

Both my boys were born into this world via c-section and that was not my birth plan. I haven’t fully processed the loss of a natural birth yet, but I am getting there.

In the Svadhyaya teaching my yoga teacher said that we are birth and death and all the spaces in between. I can’t control birth and death but I can learn to be more present in all the spaces in between. And I can’t think of a better teacher than Mother Nature to learn from about being more present.

“When we engage with Mother Nature, connecting with her meaningfully, studies show that we are overwhelmed with awe and comforted in a multitude of healthy ways: we feel positive, we feel creatively stimulated and we feel calmed when surrounded by her wild beauty and earth vibes.” — Forest Therapy, Sarah Ivens

I’ve retreated to the forest for some therapy. I may die by mountain lion, avalanche, bear, car, and/or pedicure, but I am in my happy place. Truckee, California.

_______

One Year Later.

2022.

37 years around the sun.

“The holiest place on earth is where an ancient hatred becomes a present love” — Seeking Wisdom, Julia Cameron

I have been ignoring the news on the war in Ukraine because I haven’t felt ready to read about it yet. But then I saw that DakhaBrakha, a Ukrainian band, was going to have a concert in Grass Valley. I first heard their music last year while on a Mother's Day weekend yoga retreat. Their song Kolyskova was my top played song of 2021 on Spotify (note: it was technically the 4th most played song, but songs 1-3 were requests from my kids which include Moana, Iron Man, and Batman so I’m not counting those). I bought tickets to their show but unfortunately missed it due to the Spring snow we got here in Truckee.

So, I decided to have my own DakhaBrakha concert for this month’s Yoga then Pizza practice. And, I also decided to finally tune in to some of the news on the war in Ukraine. I’ve seen the photo of the strollers left for Ukrainian refugees and cried from just seeing that image. I finally went back to that article and read it and cried some more. Then I listened to this podcast, of four personal stories from the war in Ukraine, on the way to pick up my kids from preschool and cried even more. I feel sad, mad, helpless, hopeless, and even guilty for bringing children into a world where war happens.

“If you are worried about rapid, catastrophic changes to the planet’s climate, then you must be worried about nuclear war. That is because, on top of killing tens of millions of people, even a relatively “minor” exchange of nuclear weapons would wreck the planet’s climate in enormous and long-lasting ways.”

If you are like me, you want to help in someway but don’t know how. I saw this story, of a mother fleeing Ukraine with her four little ones, and decided a small way I can help is to take the donations from this month’s yoga practice and pass them along to Together Rising.

So, for my birthday and earth day, I invite you to practice yoga with me while listening to DakhaBrakha and support Ukrainian families if you are able to.