March.

Women’s History Month.

2021.

The Filipino American Nurse.

When the pandemic began I was worried for all the healthcare workers in my life. And a year later I’m even more worried after learning that Filipinos make up 4 percent of nurses in the U.S., but almost a third of nurse deaths from COVID.

I recently read Burnout by Emily Nagoski, PhD & Amelia Nagoski, DMA. In the book they talk about Human Giver Syndrome which is when you feel it’s your duty to give everything you have, your time, your attention, your patience, your love, your rest, and even your life to others. I think this description of a human giver describes the Filipino American nurse perfectly. More specifically I think this describes exactly my mom.

Filipino nurses disproportionately serve in high-risk departments like ICUs and ERs which increases their exposure to COVID. My mom, a Filipino American, has been an ICU nurse for 40+ years and this is how she ended up on the frontlines in the country’s fight against COVID.

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K: How did you decide to become a nurse?

M: You’re not going to like my answer, maybe you should interview someone else. I became a nurse because that’s what my parents told me I should do. In the Philippines they didn’t have a high school counselor to help you discover your strengths. I came from a third world country. But now that I’ve been a nurse for so long, I still find it very rewarding. I care about my patients. When you take care of someone, and you see them get better, it’s a great feeling. And when they die, you feel like you failed.

K: Why did you decide to come to America?

M: Everyone was trying to leave the Philippines at that time because of President Marcos. People were poor and the management of government was not good. I wanted to come to the US for a better life.

K: Did you choose to work in ICU?

M: No, that’s just where they put me, I don’t think there was an option. The hospital handled all my paper work and bought me a plane ticket. I was just excited to work.

K: Has the pandemic affected your mental health?

M: Everything is affected, my mental, physical, and emotional health. It was my first time seeing so many people dying. It’s draining physically because your workload was doubled and even tripled at times. You’re just running around, but you feel like you didn’t accomplish anything, and when you get home you’re so tired.

K: What are your ways of managing burnout?

M: I don’t know. I guess Filipinos don’t get burned out. You just sleep it off and you’re ready again the next day. You just take a shower and pass out because you’re so tired, mentally and physically. You just wake up and do it again. You don’t have time to think if you’re emotionally drained or physically drained. You just deal with it.

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A friend of mine recently asked how I’m “doing it all” and said “you’re my hero” when she learned I’ve managed to somehow continue working with the kids home. My response was I’m barely surviving. I’ve debated taking a mental health leave of absence from work for a while. 

Am I a failure because I haven’t figured out how to “do it all”? Am I mentally weak because I can’t just push through and keep going? Or have I finally learned that rest is not something that’s just nice to indulge in once in a while but is actually necessary for your mental well-being.

“Mental rest is not idleness; it is the time necessary for your brain to process the world.”

The world is a lot to process right now. And as my momma always says, just rest.

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One Year Later.

2022.

From Burnout to Burn It Down.

“Throughout history, angry women have been called harpies, bitches, witches, and whores. They’ve been labeled hysterical, crazy, dangerous, delusional, bitter, jealous, irrational, emotional, dramatic, vindictive, petty, hormonal; they’ve been shunned, ignored, drugged, locked up, and killed; kept in line with laws and threats and violence, and with insidious, far-reaching lies about the very nature of what it means to be a woman— that a woman should aspire to be a lady, and that ladies don’t get angry.” — Burn It Down, Lilly Dancyger

Last year I interviewed my mom for Tadasana Mama. I had just read Burnout by Emily Nagoski, PhD & Amelia Nagoski, DMA. I myself was experiencing burnout and decided to take a leave of absence from work. Since I was burned out I figured my mom, an ICU nurse on the frontlines of the pandemic, must be experiencing burnout 10x worse than I was. My last question to her in our interview was “what are your ways of managing burnout?” Her response that “Filipinos don’t get burned out” didn’t surprise me. I remember talking to my mom earlier in the pandemic and asking her to retire. She said something like “there are so many people dying and losing their jobs, sometimes you just have to count your blessings.”

I’m currently reading Burn It Down by Lilly Dancyger. It’s a collection of essays from women writers exploring how anger has shaped their lives. And this year I decided to interview another Filipino American nurse, my sister. She decided to leave her nursing job at a rehab facility. My sister was worried for the safety of her patients, herself, and her coworkers. She was also frustrated at her manager and organization for not taking care of their employees and patients. And lastly I think it made her, dare I say it, angry. She understood that some nurses were single mothers and had bills to pay. They didn’t want to risk bringing up unsafe work environment issues and potentially lose their jobs. Those nurses were just counting their blessings, but my sister felt a responsibility to speak up.

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K: When the pandemic first started and the kids daycare closed I texted my team at work and said I think I’m depressed because I keep breaking down crying. I told them I was going to take a leave of absence. Right after I sent the text, a mom in the text group called me right away. I was sobbing and she started crying too. She called me to tell me she was supportive of my decision. Then she said we’re luckier than a lot of other people though. I know she was saying this to try to make me feel better, but it did not make me feel better. I remember you telling me you tried to talk to your manager at your old job about the unsafe work conditions. I feel like she responded in a similar way to how my coworker responded to my depression. Something like: I know you feel unsafe, but we are safer than a lot of other people. Can you tell me about that again?

S: I said to my manager that 18 patients is unsafe for one nurse to take care of, what if something happens to one patient that requires my attention for an extended period of time, what happens to the 17 other patients? And my manager responded, well that’s just what nursing is, bad things happen all the time and you just need to adjust to it. You know other facilities have so many more patients than we do, so it’s not that bad here.

K: I always thought anger was a “bad” emotion. We label emotions good or bad, but they are neither. I’ve had to work on feeling all my feelings and I’m trying to get curious about what those feelings, specifically anger, are trying to tell me. Do you get angry?

S: All the time. I’m the angriest child in our family.

K: I’m all about counting blessings and being grateful, but I also think it’s important to acknowledge when something isn’t working and can be improved. And I think anger is a great indicator that something isn’t working and change is needed. I think this is the case when it comes to childcare in America as well as nurse to patient ratios in hospitals and other care facilities. After you spoke to your manager at your old job and then eventually quit, do you think or know if they ended up changing anything?

S: No, they changed nothing. 

K: You just started a new job at a hospital. Your third week on the job you tested positive for COVID and you’re still recovering. How are you feeling now?

S: It’s surprising that I somehow managed to not get COVID for the past two years. Luckily I didn’t get that sick, so I’m doing ok. Hopefully I’ll be back at work next week.

K: Last question, in this month's yoga practice I used the mantra I am strong because I want to awaken to my strength. What do you want to awaken to this Spring?

S: I want to awaken to my best self and get more curious about what my anger is trying to tell me.

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I’m angry, my sister’s angry, and I can remember one instance of my mom being angry in my almost 37 years of being alive, but I’m pretty sure she has just been trying to “be a lady.” So I invite you to tap into your anger too. “Come rage with us. Our collective silence-breaking will make us larger, expansive, like fire, ready to burn it all down.” — Burn It Down, Lilly Dancyger