September.

National Yoga Month.

2020.

I first started practicing yoga when I moved to New York. Vinyasa was the only type of yoga I liked back then. I wanted a fast-paced cardio like workout. I did yoga purely for the physical practice.

It wasn’t until Jeff and I moved to California that I discovered the mental practice of yoga. I started a yoga journal to practice turning negative self-talk into positive self-talk.

Then, I became pregnant with Deacon and I stopped practicing yoga all together. There was no more me time. I kept telling myself I just need to get through the first year and then I’ll have more time for myself again. 

A year passed and I got pregnant a second time with Dylan. I was hoping for a girl. I had to fight back tears when we found out it was boy. When people asked how I felt about having another boy I would lie and say I’m just happy the baby is healthy. What I was really thinking was I didn’t get a girl because I don’t deserve a girl. I’m a bad example of a mother and a woman so I have no right to raise a daughter.

Without my yoga practice the negative self-talk was back. All this negative self-talk combined with returning to work during a pandemic while having to care for an infant and a toddler lead to a breakdown. I called my OB who diagnosed me with postpartum anxiety and depression. She prescribed antidepressants and recommended I talk to a therapist.

Even after months of therapy and medication I kept looking outward for solutions to my anxiety and depression. I needed a new job, a new home, and a new life. When we were in Truckee we looked at some houses and found one we loved. This was it I told myself. This is exactly what I need. We put an offer on the house and I started dreaming of our new life in the mountains. I even found a yoga studio where I could enroll in teacher training and start my new career. 

Well, we didn’t get the house. My dreams were crushed. This is when I finally learned the spiritual practice of yoga. I needed to stop looking outward and start looking inward.

As my favorite yoga instructor, Kristin McGee says, “Everything you could possibly ever want, have or need is right here inside of you.” I’m recommitting to my yoga practice so that I can develop a stronger connection to myself and discover my true needs.

_______

One Year Later.

2021.

“One of the basic reasons many people take up yoga is to change something about themselves: to be able to think more clearly, to feel better, and to be able to act better today than they did yesterday in all areas of life.” ― The Heart of Yoga, T. K. V. Desikachar

Tadasana Mama is one year old. I can’t believe it. When I first started this yoga journal I think I thought I would just do it for one year and everything would be “fixed” by then. But here we are, one year later, and we’re still in a global pandemic.

When I started taking antidepressants, I also thought ok this is just temporary and a year from now I’ll be able to stop taking them. Well a year later I spoke to my doctor about stopping the medication and she advised against it given my recent cancer diagnosis and asked if I actually wanted to increase the dosage.

And when I started talking to my therapist a year ago I also thought I would just see her for one year. In a recent session I was talking to her about someone in my life I was worried about. I said something and my therapist responded well why don’t you tell them that. My initial thought was why don’t you tell them that!? What am I paying you for? Are you saying you want me to talk to the people in my life? Isn’t the point of therapy so that I can talk to someone about all my problems and feel like I’m doing something but not have to actually do anything!?

But then I read this quote from an email my yoga instructor, Janet Stone, sent out: “I can do nothing for you but work on myself... you can do nothing for me but work on yourself!” ― Ram Dass

So, Tadasana Mama, at one year old still has a lifetime of work to do. I will continue to work on myself because that is all I can do for you. And I invite you to work on yourself as that is all you can do for me. Let’s continue this journey together because “whilst trees planted individually might struggle, those in a forest are strengthened by each other, literally drawing themselves up together towards the light.” ― Think like a Tree, Sarah Spencer