November.
Thanksgiving and Forgiving.
2020.
Practicing gratitude, forgiveness, and conscious breathing.
Four years ago I found out I was pregnant with Deacon. Four years ago was also when Donald Trump was elected president of the United States. I cried that day. I was scared for the future of my unborn baby.
This past month Joe Biden was elected president of the United States. I cried that day too. This time I wasn’t scared, I was relieved. I felt like there was hope for Deacon and Dylan’s future.
I believe that everything happens for a reason and I want to practice gratitude for all the good and bad that happens in my life. I’m grateful for big things, like buying a first home, but also small things, like breathing.
“Because the only thing that stays with you from the moment you’re born until the moment you die is your breath. All your friends, your family, the country you live in, all of that can change. The one thing that stays with you is your breath.” — Think Like a Monk, Jay Shetty
The COVID-19 pandemic and George Floyd’s death has made me realize that I’ve taken for granted my ability to breathe. With every breath I take I want to practice gratitude not just during the month of Thanksgiving but every month.
In addition to practicing gratitude I’d also like to practice forgiveness. When something in my life doesn’t work out the way I imagined it would I often look to place blame somewhere or on someone. This causes me to feel angry.
We didn’t get our first woman president in 2016 so I blamed all the dumb, racist, and sexist people that didn’t vote for Hilary. The boys school closed in March due to the pandemic so I blamed China and Trump.
I broke out in rashes when I returned to work so I blamed my anxiety on my job and our country for not having better maternity leave policies. I finally realized I needed to let go of blame and anger in order to move forward.
Practicing gratitude and forgiveness requires a lot of patience and effort but the result is a more peaceful life.
After I watched the video of George Floyd I couldn’t stop crying. I listened to I Can’t Breathe (by H.E.R.) on repeat and cried some more. After the tears came the anger. I was angry at the police. I was angry at white people. I was angry at men. And then I was angry at myself for feeling so much anger towards groups of people that include my husband and sons.
What I realized is that it wasn’t just George Floyd that couldn’t breathe. I think Derek Chauvin, the officer, who killed George Floyd must not have been breathing either. And Donald Trump must also not be breathing. And all the people that are denying COVID-19 must have forgotten how to breathe also. And finally I realized that I have forgotten how to breathe too.
When I say I have forgotten how to breathe I don’t mean the automatic breathing that our bodies do subconsciously but I mean intentional breathing. The kind of breathing that connects you to your soul and then connects you with the souls of all other humans. I think if we all practice conscious breathing we’d realize that we are all one and all humans are equal.
I’m thankful today and everyday for my family, my friends, my country, and my breath. I forgive myself for taking my breath for granted and for forgetting how to breathe. And I’m committing to a conscious breathing practice so that I may never forget that my soul is connected to all souls.
_______
One Year Later.
2021.
Practicing patience with toddlers and a puppy.
“Conscious breathing offers mental clarity, connection to creativity, a sense of internal okay-ness, aliveness and so much more. The practice reminds us that we hold the power within ourselves to shift and heal. It’s you and your breath; the breath is the medicine.” — The Power of Breathwork, Jennifer Patterson
As the sun rises over the mountains, I take a deep breath. Inhaling slowly, I take in the scent of Jeffrey pine trees, and exhaling even slower I let go of any tension in my body. Standing in Tadasana, preparing for the chaos of the day ahead, I remind myself, you are a cancer survivor, strong woman, and hot mama.
We got a puppy! I envisioned me dropping the kids off at preschool and then returning home to relax on the couch with Tracy, our new pup. Tracy’s vision is the exact opposite of mine. Turns out puppies add to toddler messes, not clean them up. I started to look up “when do puppies lose their energy?” Then I suggested to Jeff we get another puppy so they can play together. He responded sarcastically, “yeah why don’t we get another puppy and have another baby too.”
I hired a dog trainer to help me with Tracy, but it turns out I’m the one that needs the training. “Dogs are sensitive to the moods of their owners. If you’re anxious, frustrated, and impatient, your puppy senses that.” I think the same can be said for kids and their parents. Toddlers especially do not want to be rushed. Deacon likes to do things himself now which means I need to account for extra time to get ready for school in the morning. Because he will inevitably get frustrated that he can’t zip up his jacket and then have a meltdown. And then once he finally gets the jacket on, he will change his mind and want to wear a different jacket.
In an episode of Spidey and His Amazing Friends, Hulk was angry so he took a deep breath and counted to five. He told Spidey “learning to manage my anger is going to help me be an even better superhero!” When Deacon gets frustrated I remind him to do what Hulk does. Take a deep breath and count to five. Patience is a superpower and it requires a lifelong practice.
I’m thankful that I always have my breath to return to when I lose my patience and I forgive myself for the times I forget to stop and breathe. Sometimes the patience that requires the most practice is the patience you have for yourself. “So I invite all of you to show our own species the same patience and compassion that we show dogs. After all, dogs seem to like us a lot, and I have the utmost respect for their opinion.” — The Other End of the Leash, Patricia B. McConnell. PhD.
