August.

Hot Girl Summer.

2021.

Mom edition.

“Look in the mirror. Your relationship with you predicts your relationship with the world.” ― The 5AM Club, Robin Sharma

Sometimes on hot summer days I only wear my underwear and bra around the house.

One day Deacon noticed my belly and asked, “mama why is your tummy fluffy?”

After I had Deacon it took me a full year to not be shocked when I looked at myself in the mirror. I remember getting out of the shower, catching a glimpse of my body in the mirror, and thinking oh my god what happened.

When I was pregnant I got so big people thought I was having twins. I’ve been trying to get back to my pre-mom body, but I’ve finally realized I’m forever changed.

Looking in the mirror today I can see my thyroidectomy scar, my fluffy tummy, and my c-section scars. And what I see looking back is a cancer survivor, strong woman, and hot mama.

_______

One Year Later.

2022.

Back to school.

“The real beginning of spiritual practice is evident when we accept responsibility for ourselves—that is, when we acknowledge that ultimately there are no answers outside of ourselves, and no gurus, no teachers, and no philosophies that can solve the problems of our lives. They can only suggest, guide, and inspire. It is our dedication to living with open hearts and our commitment to the day-to-day details of our lives that will transform us. When we are open to the present moment, we shine forth.”— Living Your Yoga, Judith Hanson Lasater

In one of my early therapy sessions my therapist gave me one of those depression tests. There are ten questions and you answer based on how often you’ve been bothered by the problem posed in the question over the last two weeks. The responses are either not at all, several days, more than half the days, or nearly every day. Each response is given a certain number of points and at the end of the questionnaire the points are added up to determine your level of depression. 0-4 = none/minimal depression. 5-9 = mild depression. 10-14 = moderate depression. 15-19 = moderately severe depression. 20-27 = severe depression.

I asked my therapist about the test, about the points, and about the levels of depression. I also asked questions about how therapy works since I had never seen a therapist before.

She said I could take the test again in a month or so and see how I’m feeling then. She also said people’s scores may never go down to zero, but that doesn’t mean we’re all walking around depressed, our moods fluctuate.

I remember thinking hmm, she doesn’t think I can get an A+ on the depression test. Well, I’ll show her. And show her is exactly what I did…not. Months later I took the test again and the results came back with with severe depression. I got an F- on the depression test.

After I had a thyroidectomy and radioactive iodine therapy I started to get blood work every few months to monitor my cancer marker. My oncologist said we would watch to make sure the cancer marker number stays the same or goes down. She also said the number may never go down to zero but as long as it’s not going up that’s good news.

I remember thinking hmm, she doesn’t think I can get an A+ on the cancer test. Well, I’ll show her. So I did all the things. I quit my job, I continued to practice yoga and meditate, I tried reiki, I tried sound healing, I tried Rolfing, I met with an Ayurvedic doctor, I took a Wim Hof method fundamentals workshop, I got a lymphatic drainage massage, I bought all the crystals, all the smudge sticks, and all the other witchy things I came across.

My cancer marker number has been consistently going down, but it is not zero. And my depression has also gone down, but it is not zero.

So, instead of striving for an A+ on the cancer and depression tests I’ve decided to learn to “live like the lotus, at home in the muddy water.”

How do you do this you ask? I like to start with the breath.

If you’d like to join me I invite you to take a deep breath with me. Let’s start by inhaling slowly through the nose, and then exhaling even slower out of your mouth. As you continue to breathe deeply ask yourself two questions. What do I need today? And what is my body telling me? Listen to your body and then respond by honoring what it needs.